MATT (MATT PRITCHETT), MBE (Born 1964)

I'M HOPING FOR A BIG DISAPPOINTMENT TO PREPARE ME FOR THIS SUMMER'S WORLD CUP	THIS IS A BIT EMBARRASSING, BUT WE'VE JUST FOUND SADDAM'S WMDS	WE'RE VISITING MY MOTHER; STOP CALLING IT 'TALKING TO THE TALIBAN'
GENTLEMEN, WE'VE DEVELOPED A MISSILE THAT IGNORES LEGAL ADVICE	A GLASS OF YOUR FLATTEST CHAMPAGNE, PLEASE	THE GOVERNMENT HAS RAISED THE OMG LEVEL TO THE MAXIMUM
DEDICATED TO THE BANKERS WHO LIMITED THEIR BONUSES TO £1M	NEW SMALLER BANK	WHEN HE ASKS TO BE PHOTOGRAPHED WITH GORDON BROWN I'LL KNOW THINGS ARE REALLY BAD
I SAID BUY THE WHOLE OF CADBURY'S EXCEPT THE COFFEE CREAMS!	IF I DON'T HAVE IT ON A CHAIN ROUND MY NECK I FORGET WHERE I LEFT IT	I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. THE MET OFFICE PREDICTED NO SNOW TODAY...
MY NEW YEAR DIET IS GOING ALMOST TOO WELL...	PAYING CASH BONUSES IS A LITTLE AWKWARD. SO HERE'S A BAG OF GRIT	APPARENTLY IT'S BEEN RUNNING FOR NEARLY AS LONG AS THE INQUIRIES INTO THE IRAQ WAR
THEY KNEW THE EXAMS WERE COMING; WHY WEREN'T THEY BETTER PREPARED?	THE VILLAGE SHOP HAS SOLD OUT OF EVERYTHING	CHIPS ARE £1. IF YOU WANT SALT ON THEM IT'S AN EXTRA £50
IF I WAS WEARING EXPLODING UNDERPANTS I'D SET THEM OFF RIGHT NOW	MORE LETTERS FROM TEENAGE BOYS APPLYING TO WORK WITH THE TOTAL BODY SCANNER	HIDE! IT'S OUR AULD ACQUAINTANCE
WE MUST STOP SEEING EACH OTHER. MY HUSBAND IS BECOMING SUSPICIOUS	THAT AFTERSHAVE YOU GAVE ME HAS DE-ICED THE PATH BRILLIANTLY	WE MUST PRESERVE THESE FROZEN POINTS FOR FUTURE GENERATIONS
IT'S AWFUL TO THINK THIS IS TERRY WOGAN'S LAST BREAKFAST SHOW	YES, I'D SAY OUR JOURNEY WAS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY	BRITISH AIRWAYS THE NO. 1 CHOICE FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO STAY AT HOME ENDORSED BY TIGER WOODS
'SOME BITS ARE REDACTED FOR SECURITY REASONS'	'WHEN I UNDERSTAND THIS I'M GOING TO BE FURIOUS'	WHILE SHEPHERDS WATCHED THE X FACTOR BY NIGHT...
'OUR BELL TOWER CERTAINLY PUTS THOSE UPWARDLY MOBILE DUCKS IN THEIR PACE'	'I WAS WISHING EVERYONE A HAPPY NEW YEAR, BUT I'VE HAD TO REVISE THAT DOWNWARDS'	'COULD YO HIDE £1.5BN INSIDE A CHRISTMAS PUDDING?'
'MY HUSBAND'S A REAL SCEPTIC. HE DOESN'T BELIEVE THAT DENMARK EXISTS'	IF BONUSES KEEP ON RISING, BY 2050 PARTS OF LONDON COULD BE UNDER 4FT OF MONEY	I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND ME ASKING, BUT WILL WE GET A BONUS THIS CHRISTMAS?
IRANIAN MERMAID TEMPTING BRITISH SAILORS	OOH, TODAY WE'VE GOT A PICTURE OF A DEAD POLAR BEAR	I'VE BEEN AT THE OFFICE PARTY WHERE I DISCOVERED I'M NOT PERFECT
I COULDN'T GET ANY MISTLETOE	DEAR SIR HA ,HA, HA. WE HAVE CHARGED YOU £35 FOR THIS LETTER.	'NO, WE ARE NOT GOING TO WATERBOARD ANY OF THE WITNESSES'
APPARENTLY, THE OUTCOME OF THE X FACTOR WILL NOW BE DECIDED IN BRUSSELS	I'M AWARE OF THE DANGERS SIR, BUT I'D LIKE TO VOLUNTEER FOR A BONUS	TWENTY YEARS AGO MY HUSBAND WAS RUSHING HOME TO WATCH THE FALL OF THE BERLIN WALL ON TV ...
LEAVE SOME LONG GRASS; WE WANT TO KICK THE EXPENSES REVIEW INTO IT	'I'M PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE THE PRESIDENT OF EUROPE WILL BE THE JEDWARD TWINS FROM X FACTOR'	'I'M WRITING A BLOG. HOW MANY P'S IN DISAPPOINTING?'
LIB DEM CONFERENCE EXPECT UNUSUALLY LIGHT TRAFFIC	I'M GOING TO HAVE TO ASK YOU TO REIMBURSE THE £3000 I PAID YOU	IF I WANTED TO BE THIS MISERABLE I'D HAVE GONE TO THE LABOUR PARTY CONFERENCE
PUT DOWN THE FLAMING TORCH AND UNTIE SIR CHRISTOPHER KELLY	I WOULDN'T EVEN MIND IF IT WAS RETROSPECTIVE	I'M POSTING IT TO MY GRANDSON. HE'S EIGHT AT THE MOMENT
NO	I MUST GET TO THE UK. I WANT TO HEAR NICK CLEGG'S BIG SPEECH	AFTER THAT WE CAN LOSE THE ELECTION WITH A SPRING IN OUR STEP
THERE'S A STEEP CLIMB AHEAD, BUT THE VIEW FROM THE SUMMIT IS WORTH IT	WE'RE ELECTION OBSERVERS FROM AFGHANISTAN	SORRY, IT WAS THE ONLY CARD I COULD GET
I'M POSTING A CHEQUE TO THE EXPENSES INQUIRY. MAKE SURE IT'S NOT DELIVERED	THE GARDENER HAS DECIDED TO STAND AGAINST YOU AT THE NEXT ELECTION	YOU'RE SENDING ME BACK TO SCHOOL? IS THIS PART OF A SHABBY DEAL WITH LIBYA?
WOULD YOU LIKE A BAR OF CHOCOLATE FOR JUST £1 WITH THOSE	I'D LIKE YOU TO CHANGE THE BEDDING, DO THE IRONING AND SING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM	'And that's, basically, how short-selling works'
'The can of cider makes you look ten years younger'	BEIJING SMOG FEARS	POLICE PROTEST
'I got out of cash and into plastic carrier bags'	I hope the Transport Secretary gets home before her children have grown up	MY WIFE GAVE ME THIS JUMPER AND I GAVE HER THE VOMITING BUG
POLICE STOP! I'VE GOT YOU SURROUNDED