MATT (MATT PRITCHETT), MBE (Born 1964)

DON'T GRIT THIS ROAD - APPARENTLY A BANKER LIVES HERE	AT THE EXACT MOMENT MR HUHNE RESIGNED, THEY ALL STOPPED	WE'VE DECIDED TO STRIP FRED GOODWIN OF HIS SUPERMARKET LOYALTY CARD
RBS	EVERYONE WILL BE HAPPY – IT'S A FLOATING AIRPORT AND A ROYAL YACHT	DON'T JUST STAND THERE – PUT UP PRICES!
A BENEFITS CAP WOULD FORCE US TO LEAVE OUR JIMMY CHOO AND MOVE TO CHEAPER FOOTWEAR	IT'S SIR FRED GOODWIN. DO WE WANT TO BUY BACK HIS KNIGHTHOOD?	I HEARD YOU'VE BEEN SACKED, SIR. SO I SUPPOSE THIS IS 'BONJOUR'
UNTIL THE CHARGES AGAINST THE DUCHESS OF YORK ARE DROPPED, I AM BOYCOTTING TURKISH DELIGHT	THE LONDON TO BIRMINGHAM HIGH-SPEED RAIL LINE IS NOW COMING THROUGH HERE	STANDARD & POOR'S
HS2 TRAINSPOTTERS	IT'S BEEN STOLEN BY METAL THIEVES	ARE THEY EVER GOING TO BUILD THIS HIGH SPEED RAIL LINE
TRUST A WOMAN TO MAKE A STUPID GENERALISATION	IF YOU WATCH IN 3D THE HANDBAG SEEMS TO COME STRAIGHT AT YOU	I NEARLY BLEW AWAY. THANK GOODNESS I GAINED ALL THAT WEIGHT OVER CHRISTMAS
CAN I PAY FOR MY SEASON TICKET WITH THIS COPPER CABLE?	SO NOW GCSES ARE CORRUPT. YOU DON'T KNOW WHO TO TRUST ANYMORE	LOST DEPUTY PM SMALL REWARD
IT'S THE CHRISTMAS GETAWAY, OR, AS I CALL IT, OCCUPY THE M25	I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T TELL YOU, BUT THIS IS A BOTTLE OF AFTERSHAVE	MOVE RIGHT DOWN INSIDE THE WALLET
NORTH KOREA KIM JONG-IL DIES NICK CLEGG TO GIVE SPEECH	I'VE PASSED NEXT YEAR'S EXAMS	PAY ATTENTION! WE'RE NOT DOING THIS FOR OUR OWN BENEFIT
SNOW AND A WAR OF WORDS WITH FRANCE. THIS IS GOING TO BE THE PERFECT CHRISTMAS	THE THOMPSONS HAVE INVITED US TO THEIR DRINKS PARTY AS NON-PARTICIPATING OBSERVERS	THERE'S NO POINT SENDING A CHRISTMAS CARD TO JAMES MURDOCH- HE WON'T READ IT
WHERE CAN WE SEE THE NEXT CHANGING OF NICK CLEGG'S MIND?	ONE BULB GOES OUT AND THE WHOLE THING IS USELESS. IT'S LIKE THE EURO	EVERY DAY A NEW COUNTRY GOES BUST
A BUDGET DEFICIT ISN'T JUST FOR CHRISTMAS	I'VE REVISED DOWNWARDS MY PREDICTIONS. YOU WILL MEET A SHORT, BALDING STRANGER	'THE MOD WITHOUT LIAM FOX WILL BE LIKE AN AIRCRAFT CARRIER WITHOUT PLANES'
THOSE METAL THIEVES HAVE GONE TOO FAR THIS TIME	DON'T WORRY, OFFICER, I'M TWEETING AN APOLOGY	NORMALLY A CIVIL CEREMONY IN CHURCH WOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM, BUT BECAUSE YOU'RE BOTH BANKERS ...
IT'S AN AUTHENTIC ITALIAN RESTAURANT. THERE'S NO CHOICE – AN EU TECHNOCRAT TELLS YOU WHAT YOU'RE GETTING	AND SEPP BLATTER'S MOUTH WILL BE HOSTING ... HIS FOOT	I NEVER THOUGHT WE'D GET RID OF NORTHERN ROCK
DARLING, I CAN EXPLAIN ... IT'S ALL THE EURO'S FAULT	IT'S NOT A COLD – I'VE GOT THE EUROZONE CONTAGION	BEFORE WE GO IN, I MUST WARN YOU, HE DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT FATHER CHRISTMAS
ITALY SOON TO BE TWINNED WITH GREECE	THE TARAMASALATA HAS REALLY HIT THE FAN NOW	IT'S CALLED THE PAPANDREOU. IT GOES OFF WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT
VOTE	THIS IS THE LETTER I WROTE TO OLIVER LETWIN ABOUT WEEKLY BIN COLLECTIONS	ADAM WERRITTY BROKE BEST MAN'S CODE
DOWNTON ABBEY, TORY SPLITS OVER EUROPE – I LOVE THESE PERIOD DRAMAS	I JUST WANT THE WHEELBARROW	I'VE BROUGHT MY BEST MAN ALONG, SARGE
IT'S ADAM WERRITTY. CAN HE STILL COME ON THE NEXT FOREIGN TRIP ANYWAY?	AND I GOT THAT ONE FOR NEVER MEETING ADAM WERRITTY	KEN CLARKE IS ADORABLE, BUT HE DOES A LOT OF DAMAGE
IT'S NOT THE TRAVELLERS I OBJECT TO, IT'S THE LAWYERS THEY ATTRACT	MILIBAND CAN'T CALL US A 'BAD' COMPANY NOW	THE PRIME MINISTER HAS INSTRUCTED ME TO CUT UP YOUR CREDIT CARD
THIS IS MY HUSBAND – I CALL HIM PLAN A	THE MINUTE THE SUN COMES OUT THE PRICE OF ICE CREAM SHOOTS UP	'YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED A BIT'
'I GET AN EU SUBSIDY FOR SCANTILY CLAD POP STARS'	'YOU WANT TO BE EXCUSED FROM PE ? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE - CARLOS TEVEZ?'	DOUBLE DIP IS THE NEW DIP
WHEN THE PLANNING LAWS CHANGE WE'RE HOPING TO RELEASE THEM INTO THE WILD	I'M AFRAID WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO LET YOU GO. IT'S YOUR SUNNY DISPOSITION	A CREDIT AGENCY HAS DOWNGRADED ITALY'S 'VITA' TO 'LESS DOLCE'
I KNOW HOW LIB DEMS FEEL ABOUT WEALTH, BUT CAN I STILL WATCH DOWNTON ABBEY?	DID YOU JUST SELL BACK OUR HOLIDAY EUROS? YOU'VE SPOOKED THE WORLD MARKETS	FARMING TODAY HAS BEEN REPLACED BY BUILDERS' WORLD
STATUE OF LIBERTY	LOOTING? WE ALWAYS HOPED YOU'D BE ARRESTED FOR PROTESTING ABOUT UNIVERSITY FEES	NEW YORK HURRICANE WARNING
WE'RE ALL ON THE STREETS, BUT WE STILL HAVE TO DO OUR PAPERWORK	GOOD NEWS, MR OSBORNE, WE'VE WATERED YOUR PLANTS AND THEY'RE ALL FINE ... NO NEED TO WORRY ABOUT YOUR PLANTS ...	IT'S SO SERIOUS THAT BERLUSCONI HAS INVITED ECONOMISTS TO HIS VILLA THIS WEEKEND
AS A BORROWER OF MY LADDER, I'M AFRAID YOU'VE LOST YOUR TRIPLE-A STATUS	A FEW NICE DAYS AND THEN IT'S ALL OVER – THAT'S MY PENSION, NOT THE SUMMER	THE 8.39 IS DELAYED WHILE WE WAIT FOR PASSENGERS TO DIE OR PAY FOR A TAXI
AS THE STADIUM WAS FINISHED AHEAD OF SCHEDULE YOU WILL ALL HAVE TO TAKE A DRUGS TEST	WE ARE FROM PLANET EARTH. WE NEED TO BORROW A LOT OF MONEY	YOU NEVER REMEMBER ANYTHING, IT'S LIKE LIVING WITH JAMES MURDOCH
EVERY DAY IS THE MOST HUMBLE OF MY LIFE	I LIKED THE PIE THROWING, BUT I THOUGHT THE REST OF IT WAS DISGRACEFUL	MISS MARPLE HAS RESIGNED OVER HER LINKS WITH NEWS INTERNATIONAL
I DON'T THINK RUPERT MURDOCH IS A FIT AND PROPER PERSON TO WEAR A TRACKSUIT	WE BELIEVE YOUR CHILD DID WORK EXPERIENCE AT NEWS INTERNATIONAL	NEWS CORP RULED THE WORLD FOR MANY YEARS. NOBODY KNOWS WHAT WIPED IT OUT
DISGRACEFUL! YOU MUST HAVE BLAGGED THIS INFORMATION FROM MY TEACHERS	DON'T TELL PEOPLE YOU WORK FOR A NEWSPAPER. PRETEND YOU'RE A MEMBER OF THE GADDAFI FAMILY	I HEAR FORTNUM & MASON IS PLANNING TO DISRUPT ED MILIBAND'S WEDDING
WOULD YOU LET ME OFF IF I SAID I HAD AN URGENT DELIVERY OF HEROIN?	STRIKE	IF HE DOESN'T RETIRE TILL HE'S 66, HE'S GOT 42 MORE YEARS TO WIN
STRIKES HAVE CLOSED SCHOOLS, FORCING MANY PARENTS TO TAKE THEIR CHILDREN TO WORK	HIGHER TAXES AND LOWER WAGES – THAT'S AN UNFORTUNATE COMBINATION	I PROPOSE THAT ONE OF US SHOULD ATTEMPT TO ACTUALLY TALK TO A GIRL
PM SAYS: CHANGING MIND A SIGN OF STRENGTH ... OR MAYBE IT ISN'T	THERE'S MORE LIFE IN THIS GREEK YOGURT THAN THERE IS IN THEIR ECONOMY	THEY MADE ME THE NEW LEADER OF AL-QAEDA, BUT THERE WAS NO MENTION OF A PENSION SCHEME
WE FORGOT TO TELL THE RAF THAT GADDAFI WASN'T COMING	IF THE BINMEN WON'T TAKE OUR RUBBISH, I'LL WEAR IT TO ASCOT	THE BBC HAS SENT US A BILL FOR OUR TV LICENCE AND A LEAFLET ON ASSISTED SUICIDE
IT'S DOUR, SULKY AND BROODING. I ALSO THINK IT'S PLOTTING AGAINST ME	I'D LIKE TO REPORT A HATE PREACHER WHO IS RADICALISING HIS FOLLOWERS – THE ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY	A LONGER SENTENCE? BTU I HAVE TO GET HOME FOR THE BABYSITTER
I CAN HEAR THE NAMES OF ALL THE CELEBRITIES WITH SUPER-INJUNCTIONS	A UK OFFICIAL SAID MR OBAMA HAD NOT PLAYED PING PONG WITH ANY OTHER WORLD LEADER	IF WE SWITCH THEM INTO REVERSE WE CAN BLOW THE VOLCANIC ASH BACK TO ICELAND
THIS ROSE IS CALLED RYAN GIGGS, BUT DON'T TELL ANYONE I TOLD YOU	ONE ADVANTAGE OF HAVING SIX WIVES IS THAT I CAN SPREAD MY SPEEDING POINTS BETWEEN THEM	YOU HAVE BEEN CHARGED £35. YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ASK WHY
NOT HERE. NOT IN FRONT OF THE BONUS	I FOUND HIS OLD DOG LICENCE. I WANT TO PUT SOME OF MY SPEEDING POINTS ON IT	GOING UP; TRAVEL, ALCOHOL, TOBACCO, PETROL...
BEFORE WE CONCLUDE THIS ALL-DAY DISCUSSION, MAYBE WE SHOULD MENTION FINANCE	I'M LEAVING YOU FOR A WOMAN WITH FEWER POINTS ON HER LICENCE	ROSES ARE RED THEY SMELL SO SWEET MY CLIENT HAS A SUPER-INJUNCTION SO DON'T EVEN TWEET
NOW, CAN YOU GET US A SUPER-INJUNCTION?	I CAN BORE ANYONE IN THIS BAR	PAKISTAN HAS KNOWN FOR SOME TIME THE LOCATION OF WILL AND KATE'S HONEYMOON
ANOTHER SUPER-INJUNCTION?	I DON'T MIND THE MIDGES, IT WAS THE SCOTTISH LIB DEMS I FOUND SO IRRITATING	I WONDER IF PIPPA MIDDLETON WOULD LIKE TO LEAD THE LIBERAL DEMOCRATS
WE'RE GOING TO ELECT THE NEXT LEADER OF AL-QAEDA USING THE ALTERNATIVE VOTE SYSTEM	WE CONSIDERED RELEASING OUR HOLIDAY PHOTOS, BUT THEY'RE A BIT TOO GRUESOME	HUMAN SHIELD STORY DENIED
BIN LADEN KILLED: WHAT KATE WAS WEARING WHEN SHE HEARD THE NEWS	WILL & KATE UMBRELLAS	YESTERDAY ?!!!
CALM DOWN, DEAR	HERE COME THE BECKHAMS	IF ANYONE HERE PRESENT KNOWS OF ANY REASON WHY I SHOULD NOT HAVE ANOTHER SHERRY...
I CAN'T TELL YOU ABOUT THE BIRDS AND THE BEES – THEY'VE OBTAINED A SUPER-INJUNCTION	I'D NO IDEA THE SECOND WORLD WAR WAS OVER, BUT I'VE HEARD ALL ABOUT THE ROYAL WEDDING	IN JUST THREE DAYS PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE...
WON'T THEY EVER LEAVE? IT'S LIKE TRYING TO GET RID OF COLONEL GADDAFI	I'VE GOT NOTHING AGAINST LIB DEMS, I JUST THINK THEY SHOULD TRY TO INTEGRATE	JUST BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T BEEN INVITED, DOESN'T MEAN IT'S A SHAM WEDDING
DON'T TELL NICK CLEGG, BUT MY FATHER GOT ME THIS JOB	I'M JUST GOING TO TELL NICK CLEGG THAT WE'RE BAILING OUT PORTUGAL	WARNING: THE FOLLOWING ITEM CONTAINS IMAGES THAT SOME VIEWERS MAY FIND MAGNIFICENT
MY ENVOY WENT TO LONDON AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T SHIRT	VOTING REFORM	WE'RE PLANNING A FIGHT IN A PUB CAR PARK AND WONDERED IF ED MILIBAND WOULD LIKE TO SAY A FEW WORDS
BUDGET: WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER PORTUGAL: WE'RE ALL IN THAT AS WELL	'SHAME IS FORCING US TO MOVE. THE NEIGHBOURS DISCOVERED WE ONLY HAVE THE OLD iPAD'	STOP. NOW PETROL'S COME DOWN I'LL DRIVE MY CAR. I HADN'T REALLY BROKEN DOWN
WE'RE FIRST TIME BUYERS AND THE GOVERNMENT HELPED US GET THIS POTHOLE	BUDGET: PETROL DOWN?	IT WILL BE A RELIEF TO GET BACK TO SOME DOMESTIC MISERY
BUDGET NEXT WEEK BRITONS URGED TO LEAVE UK	HOW LAME! THIS IS LIKE FACEBOOK FOR OLD PEOPLE	HAVE YOU CONSIDERED BEFRIENDING A WEALTHY DESPOT?
TODAY, I'M GOING TO TEACH YOU HOW TO SURRENDER WITH YOUR BARE HANDS	THIS COULD DAMAGE THE MONARCHY. I HEAR THAT COLIN FIRTH IS LIVID	THANK YOU FOR NOT FLYING
YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO SEE YOUR P45 REFLECTED IN THEM	IT'S DEPRESSING TO THINK WE COULDN'T EVEN ATTACK OUR OWN CIVILIANS	THE COLONEL GADDAFI AWARD FOR THE LONGEST OSCAR SPEECH GOES TO. ..
I'VE ORDERED YOU A BISCUIT. IT WILL COST £1.1M AND BE READY IN 2014	IT'S NOT THAT KIND OF PROTEST	EW! TOO MUCH INFORMATION, JACQUI SMITH
HAVING TO NUMBER MY PREFERENCES BREACHES MY HUMAN RIGHTS	I'M CALLING ON THE PEOPLE TO TAKE TO THE STREETS FOR A DAY OF APATHY	THE GOVERNMENT HAS SCALED DOWN THE FOREST SELL-OFF
WE HAD A DISASTROUS HOLIDAY IN ITALY. THE WHOLE COUNTRY IS SNIGGERING ABOUT CAMERON'S BIG SOCIETY	I SAID I WAS REALLY EXCITED ABOUT THE BIG SOCIETY – I MAY BEAT COLIN FIRTH TO THAT OSCAR	IF THIS IS FOREST PRIVATISATION, I'M ALL IN FAVOUR
AND NEXT WE HAVE OUR NEW PRESENTER, SILVIO BERLUSCONI	ANDY MURRAY IN FINAL	A FEW FLAKES OF SNOW AND THE WHOLE ECONOMY GRINDS TO A HALT
IS YOUR HUSBAND IN? I WANT TO ASK HIM IF JOHNNY CAN COME OUT AND PLAY	I SAW SOMEONE BUYING FOOD. THEY COULD BE PLOTTING A RACIST, DINNER-TABLE CONVERSATION	WIFE BRINGS YOU TEA. COMING UP LATER: A BISCUIT?
I CAN'T REMEMBER IF THESE ARE MY BUDGET FIGURES OR YOUR CHOLESTEROL READING	IS BARONESS WARSI A MODERATE CONSERVATIVE, OR A TORY FUNDAMENTALIST?	OUR CANDIDATE SHOOK HANDS WITH LOTS OF VOTERS AND DIDN'T CATCH FLU – WHICH IS AN EXCELLENT RESULT
ARE ANY OF THESE CANDIDATES IN PRISON?	NO SPLASHING!	BANG GOES ANOTHER NEW YEAR RESOLUTION
PSSST, WANT A FLU JAB?	I'VE HEARD HORROR STORIES ABOUT PEOPLE COMING FACE TO FACE WITH ENGLAND FANS	I'M AFRAID THE FLU VACCINE IS RESERVED FOR ESSENTIAL PEOPLE – DUSTBIN MEN
DEAR GRANNY, THANKS FOR THE GIFT VOUCHER. DUE TO THE VAT INCREASE YOU WILL NEED TO SEND ME SOME MORE MONEY	I THOUGHT THEY'D NEVER LEAVE	MELCHIOR: I HATE OTHER 2 WISE MEN
I'VE BEEN TWEETED TIDINGS OF GREAT JOY	YOU MUST COME TO US NEXT YEAR	WE'VE BEEN KETTLED BY SNOWMEN
IF YOUR FAMILY COMES FOR CHRISTMAS ARE WE ALLOWED TO USE A WATER CANNON?	BLACK ICE	MY SON'S IN THE NATIVITY PLAY – HE'S BETHLEHEM
IT'S SHANE WARNE'S LATEST SCORE	I HIT A POLICEMAN, WHO HIT A PROTESTER, WHO HIT THE PRINCE OF WALES'S CAR	I'D LOVE TO THROW BARRICADES AT THE POLICE, BUT MY A-LEVEL GRADES WEREN'T GOOD ENOUGH
THE 7.41 IS CANCELLED BECAUSE THE DRIVER IS WORKING FROM HOME	I'M SENDING MY CHRISTMAS LIST TO THE US AMBASSADOR. IT WILL BE ALL ROUND THE WORLD BY MORNING	DON'T CRY OUTSIDE, YOU'RE ICING UP THE PATH
I'VE BROUGHT YOU A LEAFLET ON VOTING REFORM	HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT FAR FEWER AMERICANS CLAIM TO BE IRISH THESE DAYS?	I WISH DOWNING ST EMPLOYED A PHOTOGRAPHER TO CAPTURE DAVID CAMERON'S REACTIONS
IN THE SUMMER THE BOYS DO MATCH FIXING AND IN THE WINTER THEY DO CORRUPTION AND VOTE SELLING	HOW LONG HAVE YOU HAD A VANITY PHOTOGRAPHER?	IT WAS ALL GOING WELL UNTIL THE CHINESE MENTIONED OUR MISTREATMENT OF RAIL PASSENGERS
I CAME RUNNING OUT OF THE BANK AND BUMPED INTO THE ONE POLICEMAN LEFT IN THE COUNTRY	IT HURTS, BUT I'M NOT SURE WHERE	IF WE STAY UNDERGROUND FOR 69 DAYS WE'LL MISS THE SPENDING REVIEW
AFTER THE SPENDING REVIEW WE'LL BE VERY UNPOPULAR. I WANT YOU TO GET TRAPPED DOWN A MINE ...	IT WON'T BE EASY, BUT I INTEND TO HALVE THIS DEBT BY 2015	ANTICUTS MISSILE
AS YOU CAN SEE, I PICKED THE WRONG BROTHER	OUR AQUATIC EVENTS VENUE HAS SPRUNG A LEAK	I MIGHT CONSIDER VOTING LABOUR, BUT I'D NEVER GO TO A MILIBAND FAMILY GATHERING
COMMONWEALTH GAMES	NO FIGHTING BETWEEN THE BROTHERS; SO MUCH MORE DIGNIFIED THAN THOSE MILIBANDS	REMIND ME, WAS IT VINCE CABLE WHO WAS BEATIFIED BY THE POPE LAST WEEK?
I'M GOING TO TURN YOU 'ORRIBLE LOT INTO CIVILIANS	I ASKED HIM ABOUT THE BUDGIE KIDNAP AND NOW IT'S SINGING LIKE A CANARY	NEW FROM SUBBUTEO
A SPOT BETTING SYNDICATE HAS PAID ME £150,000 TO MAKE A VICTORIA SPONGE	STOP PUTTING ON AIRS - YOU'RE NOT LORD PRESCOTT	WHILE WE WERE OUT A BRUTAL WARLORD TRIED TO DELIVER SOME BLOOD DIAMONDS
AFTER THE RAF CUTS HE TRIED TO DO A VICTORY ROLL	NOT ME, MY RUMP STEAK	I DID BETTER THAN MY TEACHER PREDICTED. HE SAID I WOULDN'T FIND MY WAY TO THE EXAM ROOM
IT'S FROM DAVID CAMERON ABOUT REDUCING THE DEFICIT. THERE'S SOME POSTAGE TO PAY	POLICE ELECTIONS VOTE FOR ME OR I'LL TASER YOU	THIS IS PRESIDENT OBAMA'S PRESENT TO DAVID CAMERON
YOU'D THINK A BIG SOCIETY VOLUNTEER WOULD MOW THAT LAWN	THIS IS MY COMMUNITY SENTENCE	YOU'RE UNDER ARREST. GO TO THE POLICE STATION AND LET YOURSELF INTO A CELL
THE PAIN OF WATCHING ENGLAND PLAY WILL BE SHARED FAIRLY BETWEEN RICH AND POOR	GOAL!	CUTS: ENGLAND'S NEW AUSTERITY GOAL
AT LEAST GORDON BROWN HAD THE DECENCY TO HIDE THE BAD NEWS IN HIS BUDGETS	CAN YOU ARRANGE FOR A FRENCH EXCHANGE STUDENT TO COME AND STAY AT OUR HOUSE?	GREAT NEWS! IT WAS ONLY REALLY, REALLY AWFUL
TO QUOTE FABIO CAPELLO, 'HE MAKE VERY BIG MISTAKE'	I WANT TO HEAR THE VUVUZELAS, BUT NOT SEE ENGLAND PLAY	GENTLEMEN, WE'VE DEVELOPED A REPLACEMENT FOR THE JABULANI BALL
ARE YOU WORRYING ABOUT THE DEFICIT OR AN ENGLAND PLAYER'S GROIN	I FITTED A CAP OVER HIS MOUTH TO STOP HIM TALKING ABOUT THE WORLD CUP	WE'RE PUMPING IN MUD AND CONCRETE TO CAP THE CAPITAL GAINS TAX
DAVID CAMERON CAN'T FIVE YOU A CABINET JOB JUST BECAUSE YOU VOTED LIB DEM	LIB-LAB SPORTS DAY	IN LESS THAN SIX MONTHS WE MAY BE LOCKED OUT OF THE POLLING STATION AGAIN
I BELIEVE THE DON'T KNOWS ARE TAKING THIS ELECTION FOR GRANTED	MAKE UP YOUR MIND! PETER MANDELSON HAS ALREADY CHOSEN THE NEXT LEADER OF THE LABOUR PARTY	WHILE YOU'RE TALKING I'M DRAWING THE AUDIENCE REACTION WORM
WATCHING THAT DEBATE WAS A DISASTER - WHOSE IDEA WAS IT?	I'VE MADE A STRING OF PROMISES I CAN'T POSSIBLY KEEP	TOO MUCH EYE CONTACT MAKES ME FEEL QUEAZY
IT CUTS NICK CLEGG OUT OF THE LEADERS' DEBATE	POLITICS NEEDS TO CHANGE. AFTER A WEEK I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF NICK CLEGG	I WISH I HADN'T AGREED TO THESE DEBATES
DO YOU THINK THAT PILE OF VOLCANIC ASH IS OUR LUGGAGE?	I'LL DRIVE YOU TO CALAIS ON CONDITION THAT YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT NICK CLEGG	I DON'T WANT TO ASK HIM ABOUT THE NHS - I WANT HIM TO HEAL ME
DON'T WORRY! I'M TWEETING THAT YOU WON	ONCE I HAVE HIRED STEPHEN BUYERS, GEOFF HOON AND PATRICIA HEWITT I WILL BE ABLE TO CONTROL THE WHOLE WORLD	WAYNE ROONEY'S FRAGILE RECOVERY IS JEOPARDISED BY TORY ECONOMIC PLANS
IT BRIEFLY STOPPED RAINING AND I EXPERIENCED A LEGAL HIGH	SORRY, I KEEP CRASHING... I'M REALLY A PILOT	F1
WHEN PEOPLE SAY IT'S BACK TO THE 70S, THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT INDUSTRIAL RELATIONS	COULDN'T WE HAVE PAID STEPHEN BYERS TO STOP THIS BUDGET	TELL ME WHEN WE'RE OVER HEATHROW; I HAVE TO LAND THIS PLANE
WE HAVE TO CROSS THE PICKET LINE TO GET TO THE LOO	I'VE LOST ALL UNITE'S STRIKE BANNERS AND PLACARDS	COFFEE OR TEA?
YOUR DON'T KNOW WILL SEND THE POUND THROUGH THE FLOOR	THE PURPLE DYE SHOWS I'M GOING TO ABSTAIN IN THE GENERAL ELECTION	WE'RE GOING TO BELIZE TO EVADE THE GENERAL ELECTION
BULLYING LATEST...	DID YOU SEE? FORCES OF HELL UNLEASHED HERE 30/8/08	I CHANGED MY MIND. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BEING FRIGHTENED OF GORDON
IF WE STAY HERE TILL THE ELECTION WE'LL AVOID ALMOST ALL THE POLITICIANS	PASSPORTS	SUDDENLY, ASSISTED SUICIDE DOESN'T SEEM SO UNTHINKABLE
LET'S SAY THAT JUMPER IS MY WIFE AND THE OTHER ONE IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND	IF I DON'T HAVE IT ON A CHAIN ROUND MY NECK I FORGET WHERE I LEFT IT	MY NEW YEAR DIET IS GOING ALMOST TOO WELL...
CHIPS ARE £1. IF YOU WANT SALT ON THEM IT'S AN EXTRA £50	'I WAS WISHING EVERYONE A HAPPY NEW YEAR, BUT I'VE HAD TO REVISE THAT DOWNWARDS'	'COULD YOU HIDE £1.5BN INSIDE A CHRISTMAS PUDDING?'
IF BONUSES KEEP ON RISING, BY 2050 PARTS OF LONDON COULD BE UNDER 4FT OF MONEY	OOH, TODAY WE'VE GOT A PICTURE OF A DEAD POLAR BEAR	TWENTY YEARS AGO MY HUSBAND WAS RUSHING HOME TO WATCH THE FALL OF THE BERLIN WALL ON TV ...
I'M PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE THE PRESIDENT OF EUROPE WILL BE THE JEDWARD TWINS FROM X FACTOR	LIB DEM CONFERENCE EXPECT UNUSUALLY LIGHT TRAFFIC	I'M GOING TO HAVE TO ASK YOU TO REIMBURSE THE £3000 I PAID YOU
IF I WANTED TO BE THIS MISERABLE I'D HAVE GONE TO THE LABOUR PARTY CONFERENCE	I WOULDN'T EVEN MIND IF IT WAS RETROSPECTIVE	I'M POSTING IT TO MY GRANDSON. HE'S EIGHT AT THE MOMENT
THE BRAZIER IS GOING OUT. GET SOME MORE LETTERS	AFTER THAT WE CAN LOSE THE ELECTION WITH A SPRING IN OUR STEP	WE'RE ELECTION OBSERVERS FROM AFGHANISTAN
SORRY, IT WAS THE ONLY CARD I COULD GET	THE GARDENER HAS DECIDED TO STAND AGAINST YOU AT THE NEXT ELECTION	I'D LIKE YOU TO CHANGE THE BEDDING, DO THE IRONING AND SING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM
BEIJING SMOG FEARS	POLICE PROTEST	POLICE STOP! I'VE GOT YOU SURROUNDED