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YOU COULD DIRECT TRAFFIC
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LOOK, MY TAN HAS LASTED LONGER THAN THE TRAVEL FIRM
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I WAS AWAKE ALL DAY WORRYING ABOUT IT
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I WENT FOR A DIP THIS MORNING. A DOUBLE DIP IS NOW A POSSIBILITY
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WE WAIT FOR PEOPLE TO BE MIRACULOUSLY HEALED, THEN WE TAKE AWAY THEIR INCAPACITY BENEFIT
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THAT'S THREE POINTS FOR SPEEDING AND SIX POINTS FOR MIDDLE-CLASS HYPOCRISY
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WHILE WE WERE OUT A BRUTAL WARLORD TRIED TO DELIVER SOME BLOOD DIAMONDS
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TASTELESS? THAT MAN LIKES IT AND THOSE STEAKS ARE IDENTICAL CLONES
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AFTER THE RAF CUTS HE TRIED TO DO A VICTORY ROLL
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DON'T WORRY, IT'S NOT A BLOOD DIAMOND, IT'S A GENUINE DIRTY STONE
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NOT ME, MY RUMP STEAK
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I DID BETTER THAN MY TEACHER PREDICTED. HE SAID I WOULDN'T FIND MY WAY TO THE EXAM ROOM
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IT'S FROM DAVID CAMERON ABOUT REDUCING THE DEFICIT. THERE'S SOME POSTAGE TO PAY
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YOU CAN LOOK AT THE MONEY, BUT YOU CAN'T TAKE IT AWAY
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DOES THAT MILK SMELL CLONED TO YOU?
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WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 34 YEARS. IT WAS A SHAM WEDDING THAT WENT WRONG
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SORRY YOU'RE NOT LEAVING
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I AM JUST GOING ONLINE. I MAY BE SOME TIME
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HARDY, I DON'T WANT THAT KISS TO APPEAR ON WIKILEAKS
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POLICE ELECTIONS
VOTE FOR ME OR I'LL TASER YOU
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BRITISH TROOPS WILL HAND OVER CONTROL TO US. IT'S CALLED THE BIG SOCIETY
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DEATH TAX
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THIS IS PRESIDENT OBAMA'S PRESENT TO DAVID CAMERON
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I THINK WE SHOULD BOTH START SEEING OTHER COUNTRIES
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I'LL SAY ONE THING FOR GEORGE OSBORNE, HE'S CERTAINLY SIMPLIFIED THE TAX SYSTEM
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YOU'RE NOT GOING OUT DRESSED LIKE THAT, YOUNG LADY
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YOU'D THINK A BIG SOCIETY VOLUNTEER WOULD MOW THAT LAWN
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ALASTAIR CAMPBELL'S DIARY ON THE FURY OVER MANDELSON'S BOOK
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I SET UP A TRIBUTE PAGE TO PETER MANDELSON BUT FACEBOOK TOOK IT DOWN
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I SHOULDN'T CRY, BUT IT'S THOUGHT OF HIM BEING BACK LIVING WITH US SO SOON
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I HAVE ONLY £17.50 LEFT
DO YOU HAVE ANY AILMENTS IN THAT PRICE RANGE?
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IT'S THE MOST VIOLENT COMPUTER GAME YOU CAN BUY
|
MICHAEL GROVE LAID THE FOUNDATION STONE TO THIS SCHOOL BUILDING
... AND THEN TOOK IT AWAY AGAIN
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...MUST...NOT...BUILD...UP...EXPECTATION
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IF THEY WITCH OFF THE FM SIGNAL WE'LL MISS DESERT ISLAND DISCS
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I'LL BE IN HERE UNTIL THE CUTS ARE OVER
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I'M NOT INVOLVED IN THE MURKY WORLD OF ESPIONAGE; I'VE JOINED THE NEIGHBOURHOOD WATCH
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BASED ON THE SECOND PREFERENCE SYSTEM, ANDY MURRAY IS THE WINNER
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THIS IS MY COMMUNITY SENTENCE
|
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CAN I SPEAK TO NICK CLEGG ABOUT REPEALING CERTAIN LAWS? IT'S QUITE URGENT...
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IF YOU MISSED IT, ENGLAND'S WORLD CUP EXIT WILL BE REPEATED IN FOUR YEAR'S TIME
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YOU'RE UNDER ARREST. GO TO THE POLICE STATION AND LET YOURSELF INTO A CELL
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CHEER UP, THE ENGLISH ARE STILL THE FATTEST IN EUROPE
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THE PAIN OF WATCHING ENGLAND PLAY WILL BE SHARED FAIRLY BETWEEN RICH AND POOR
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GOAL!
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CUTS: ENGLAND'S NEW AUSTERITY GOAL
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AT LEAST GORDON BROWN HAD THE DECENCY TO HIDE THE BAD NEWS IN HIS BUDGETS
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CAN YOU ARRANGE FOR A FRENCH EXCHANGE STUDENT TO COME AND STAY AT OUR HOUSE?
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GREAT NEWS! IT WAS ONLY REALLY, REALLY AWFUL
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TO QUOTE FABIO CAPELLO, 'HE MAKE VERY BIG MISTAKE'
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THE BUDGET? I THOUGHT ENGLAND MUST BE PLAYING
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I WANT TO HEAR THE VUVUZELAS, BUT NOT SEE ENGLAND PLAY
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FATHER'S DAY IS ONE OF THE SPENDING PLANS WE'VE HAD TO CANCEL
|
GENTLEMEN, WE'VE DEVELOPED A REPLACEMENT FOR THE JABULANI BALL
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WORLD CUP
|
ASCOT
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ARE YOU WORRYING ABOUT THE DEFICIT OR AN ENGLAND PLAYER'S GROIN
|
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WORLD CUP
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YOU'RE THROUGH TO THE SPENDING CUT SUGGESTIONS LINE
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GREAT ESCAPE SURVIVOR
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I FITTED A CAP OVER HIS MOUTH TO STOP HIM TALKING ABOUT THE WORLD CUP
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PICK YOUR OWN
BP OIL
|
I WAS DOING AUSTERITY BEFORE IT WAS FASHIONABLE
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COULD IT BE IN A SUITCASE SOMEWHERE?
|
A EURO! I SAY, OLD CHAP, AREN'T THEY ENDANGERED?
|
ALL I NEED NOW IS FOR ACTIVISTS TO BREAK INTO A PEARL OYSTER FARM
|
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THAT ISN'T ONE OF THE LAWS NICK CLEGG IS SCRAPPING
|
HAVE A GOOD DAY AT THE TREASURY, DAD. BE BRAVE, TRY NOT TO CRY
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IF THE COUNTRY IS LOOKING FOR SAVINGS, DO WE REALLY NEED TWO MILIBANDS?
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I'VE DECIDED TO MAKE THIS A FIXED TERM, FIVE-YEAR MARRIAGE
|
I'VE FORMED A STRONG AND STABLE ALLIANCE WITH MY MONEY AND I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT END
|
DAVID CAMERON CAN'T FIVE YOU A CABINET JOB JUST BECAUSE YOU VOTED LIB DEM
|
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LIB-LAB SPORTS DAY
|
IN LESS THAN SIX MONTHS WE MAY BE LOCKED OUT OF THE POLLING STATION AGAIN
|
IS THERE SOMETHING FOR REMOVING A PRIME MINISTER FROM DOWNING STREET?
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OH, ALL RIGHT THEN, TAKE ME TO NICK CLEGG
|
THAT ELECTION WAS A DISASTER!
WHOSE IDEA WAS IT?
|
YOU KNOW WE CLOSE AT 10PM, DON'T YOU
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THERE'S SOMEONE LURKING ABOUT OUTSIDE - GO AND SEE IF IT'S DAVID CAMERON
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I BELIEVE THE DON'T KNOWS ARE TAKING THIS ELECTION FOR GRANTED
|
MAKE UP YOUR MIND! PETER MANDELSON HAS ALREADY CHOSEN THE NEXT LEADER OF THE LABOUR PARTY
|
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WHILE YOU'RE TALKING I'M DRAWING THE AUDIENCE REACTION WORM
|
WATCHING THAT DEBATE WAS A DISASTER - WHOSE IDEA WAS IT?
|
VOTE LABOUR OR GORDON BROWN WILL PAY YOU A VISIT
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I'VE MADE A STRING OF PROMISES I CAN'T POSSIBLY KEEP
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WE BOTH KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF I COME BACK TO YOUR PLACE - YOU'LL TALK ABOUT VOTING REFORM
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TOO MUCH EYE CONTACT MAKES ME FEEL QUEAZY
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IT CUTS NICK CLEGG OUT OF THE LEADERS' DEBATE
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I WAS GOING TO RUN THE MARATHON, BUT THE VOLCANIC ASH MADE IT TOO RISKY
|
POLITICS NEEDS TO CHANGE. AFTER A WEEK I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF NICK CLEGG
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I WISH I HADN'T AGREED TO THESE DEBATES
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DO YOU THINK THAT PILE OF VOLCANIC ASH IS OUR LUGGAGE?
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I'LL DRIVE YOU TO CALAIS ON CONDITION THAT YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT NICK CLEGG
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I DON'T WANT TO ASK HIM ABOUT THE NHS - I WANT HIM TO HEAL ME
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AND DON'T USE THAT REASONABLE NICK CLEGG TONE WITH ME
|
NICK CLEGG TELLS VOLCANO TO END THIS NONSENSE
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DON'T WORRY! I'M TWEETING THAT YOU WON
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VOLCANIC ASH
|
THIS DEBATE COULD LIGHT THE FUSE TO MY APATHY
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ONCE I HAVE HIRED STEPHEN BUYERS, GEOFF HOON AND PATRICIA HEWITT I WILL BE ABLE TO CONTROL THE WHOLE WORLD
|
GO EASY ON THE POLITICS, DAD, YOU'LL MAKE YOURSELF SICK
|
WAYNE ROONEY'S FRAGILE RECOVERY IS JEOPARDISED BY TORY ECONOMIC PLANS
|
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IT BRIEFLY STOPPED RAINING AND I EXPERIENCED A LEGAL HIGH
|
HAVE THERE BEEN ANY CHANGES TO YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES IN THE PAST 12 MONTHS?
|
SORRY, I KEEP CRASHING... I'M REALLY A PILOT
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F1
|
IF THIS BUDGET DOESN'T GET US, THE NEXT ONE WILL
|
WHEN PEOPLE SAY IT'S BACK TO THE 70S, THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT INDUSTRIAL RELATIONS
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THE FLIGHT'S OK, BUT I'M AFRAID YOUR RUNWAY'S BEEN CANCELLED
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COULDN'T WE HAVE PAID STEPHEN BYERS TO STOP THIS BUDGET
|
IF THERE'S A HUNG PARLIAMENT NICK CLEGG WILL GET TO CHOOSE THE BABY'S NAME
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TELL ME WHEN WE'RE OVER HEATHROW; I HAVE TO LAND THIS PLANE
|
WE HAVE TO CROSS THE PICKET LINE TO GET TO THE LOO
|
I'VE LOST ALL UNITE'S STRIKE BANNERS AND PLACARDS
|
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COFFEE OR TEA?
|
YOUR DON'T KNOW WILL SEND THE POUND THROUGH THE FLOOR
|
AND FROM NOW ON, EVERY PROGRAMME WILL BE IN PERIOD COSTUME
|
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1880: DOOMED ATTEMPTS TO FLY
2010: BA CHECK IN
|
THE PURPLE DYE SHOWS I'M GOING TO ABSTAIN IN THE GENERAL ELECTION
|
WE'RE GOING TO BELIZE TO EVADE THE GENERAL ELECTION
|
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MR BROWN HAS APOLOGISED TO DINOSAURS FOR THE ASTEROID THAT WIPED THEM OUT
|
SWINGEING CUTS WERE ANNOUNCED TODAY...
|
BULLYING LATEST...
|
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DID YOU SEE? FORCES OF HELL UNLEASHED HERE 30/8/08
|
I CHANGED MY MIND. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BEING FRIGHTENED OF GORDON
|
HE THREW HIS MORAL COMPASS AT ME
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WINTER OLYMPICS
|
IF WE STAY HERE TILL THE ELECTION WE'LL AVOID ALMOST ALL THE POLITICIANS
|
I BORROWED YOUR LIBRARY CARD, BUT I DIDN'T USE YOUR IDENTITY TO ASSASSINATE ANYONE
|
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THERE'S A SPECIAL REASON WHY I WANTED TO COME OUT TONIGHT - GORDON BROWN IS ON TV
|
YOU SLIPPED OVER IN THE SNOW. IN WHAT WAY WAS M15 COMPLICIT?
|
I FIND THE BRAKING PROBLEMS HAVE STOPPED ME WORRYING ABOUT MY CARBON FOOTPRINT
|
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FRAMING, BULLYING, INTIMIDATING ... AT LEAST HE DIDN'T SPEND ALL HIS TIME DOING PAPERWORK
|
RECALL?
|
THE WORLD'S GREENEST CRASH
|
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SINCE WHEN DID YOU UNDERSTAND THE OFFSIDE RULE? ARE YOU SEEING A FOOTBALLER?
|
I'M SO ANGRY I FEEL LIKE BUYING OUR MP A TOYOTA
|
SUDDENLY, ASSISTED SUICIDE DOESN'T SEEM SO UNTHINKABLE
|
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LET'S SAY THAT JUMPER IS MY WIFE AND THE OTHER ONE IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND
|
GENTLEMEN, WE'VE DEVELOPED A MISSILE THAT IGNORES LEGAL ADVICE
|
THE GOVERNMENT HAS RAISED THE OMG LEVEL TO THE MAXIMUM
|
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NEW SMALLER BANK
|
IF I DON'T HAVE IT ON A CHAIN ROUND MY NECK I FORGET WHERE I LEFT IT
|
I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. THE MET OFFICE PREDICTED NO SNOW TODAY...
|
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|
MY NEW YEAR DIET IS GOING ALMOST TOO WELL...
|
THE VILLAGE SHOP HAS SOLD OUT OF EVERYTHING
|
CHIPS ARE £1. IF YOU WANT SALT ON THEM IT'S AN EXTRA £50
|
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IF I WAS WEARING EXPLODING UNDERPANTS I'D SET THEM OFF RIGHT NOW
|
THAT AFTERSHAVE YOU GAVE ME HAS DE-ICED THE PATH BRILLIANTLY
|
WE MUST PRESERVE THESE FROZEN POINTS FOR FUTURE GENERATIONS
|
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|
IT'S AWFUL TO THINK THIS IS TERRY WOGAN'S LAST BREAKFAST SHOW
|
'SOME BITS ARE REDACTED FOR SECURITY REASONS'
|
'WHEN I UNDERSTAND THIS I'M GOING TO BE FURIOUS'
|
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|
WHILE SHEPHERDS WATCHED THE X FACTOR BY NIGHT...
|
OUR BELL TOWER CERTAINLY PUTS THOSE UPWARDLY MOBILE DUCKS IN THEIR PACE
|
'I WAS WISHING EVERYONE A HAPPY NEW YEAR, BUT I'VE HAD TO REVISE THAT DOWNWARDS'
|
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|
'COULD YO HIDE £1.5BN INSIDE A CHRISTMAS PUDDING?'
|
IF BONUSES KEEP ON RISING, BY 2050 PARTS OF LONDON COULD BE UNDER 4FT OF MONEY
|
I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND ME ASKING, BUT WILL WE GET A BONUS THIS CHRISTMAS?
|
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|
IRANIAN MERMAID
TEMPTING BRITISH SAILORS
|
OOH, TODAY WE'VE GOT A PICTURE OF A DEAD POLAR BEAR
|
DEAR SIR,
HA ,HA, HA.
WE HAVE CHARGED YOU £35 FOR THIS LETTER
|
|
|
|
|
I'M AWARE OF THE DANGERS, SIR, BUT I'D LIKE TO VOLUNTEER FOR A BONUS
|
TWENTY YEARS AGO MY HUSBAND WAS RUSHING HOME TO WATCH THE FALL OF THE BERLIN WALL ON TV ...
|
LEAVE SOME LONG GRASS; WE WANT TO KICK THE EXPENSES REVIEW INTO IT
|
|
|
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|
'I'M PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE THE PRESIDENT OF EUROPE WILL BE THE JEDWARD TWINS FROM X FACTOR'
|
LIB DEM CONFERENCE
EXPECT UNUSUALLY LIGHT TRAFFIC
|
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO ASK YOU TO REIMBURSE THE £3000 I PAID YOU
|
|
|
|
|
IF I WANTED TO BE THIS MISERABLE I'D HAVE GONE TO THE LABOUR PARTY CONFERENCE
|
I WOULDN'T EVEN MIND IF IT WAS RETROSPECTIVE
|
I'M POSTING IT TO MY GRANDSON. HE'S EIGHT AT THE MOMENT
|
|
|
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|
NO
|
I MUST GET TO THE UK. I WANT TO HEAR NICK CLEGG'S BIG SPEECH
|
AFTER THAT WE CAN LOSE THE ELECTION WITH A SPRING IN OUR STEP
|
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|
|
|
THERE'S A STEEP CLIMB AHEAD, BUT THE VIEW FROM THE SUMMIT IS WORTH IT
|
WE'RE ELECTION OBSERVERS FROM AFGHANISTAN
|
SORRY, IT WAS THE ONLY CARD I COULD GET
|
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|
I'M POSTING A CHEQUE TO THE EXPENSES INQUIRY. MAKE SURE IT'S NOT DELIVERED
|
THE GARDENER HAS DECIDED TO STAND AGAINST YOU AT THE NEXT ELECTION
|
YOU'RE SENDING ME BACK TO SCHOOL? IS THIS PART OF A SHABBY DEAL WITH LIBYA?
|
|
|
|
|
WOULD YOU LIKE A BAR OF CHOCOLATE FOR JUST £1 WITH THOSE
|
I'D LIKE YOU TO CHANGE THE BEDDING, DO THE IRONING AND SING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM
|
'And that's, basically, how short-selling works'
|
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|
'The can of cider makes you look ten years younger'
|
BEIJING SMOG FEARS
|
POLICE PROTEST
|
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|
I got out of cash and into plastic carrier bags
|
I hope the Transport Secretary gets home before her children have grown up
|
MY WIFE GAVE ME THIS JUMPER AND I GAVE HER THE VOMITING BUG
|
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|
POLICE STOP! I'VE GOT YOU SURROUNDED
|
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