MATT (MATT PRITCHETT), MBE (Born 1964)

YOU COULD DIRECT TRAFFIC	LOOK, MY TAN HAS LASTED LONGER THAN THE TRAVEL FIRM	I WAS AWAKE ALL DAY WORRYING ABOUT IT
I WENT FOR A DIP THIS MORNING. A DOUBLE DIP IS NOW A POSSIBILITY	WE WAIT FOR PEOPLE TO BE MIRACULOUSLY HEALED, THEN WE TAKE AWAY THEIR INCAPACITY BENEFIT	THAT'S THREE POINTS FOR SPEEDING AND SIX POINTS FOR MIDDLE-CLASS HYPOCRISY
WHILE WE WERE OUT A BRUTAL WARLORD TRIED TO DELIVER SOME BLOOD DIAMONDS	TASTELESS? THAT MAN LIKES IT AND THOSE STEAKS ARE IDENTICAL CLONES	AFTER THE RAF CUTS HE TRIED TO DO A VICTORY ROLL
DON'T WORRY, IT'S NOT A BLOOD DIAMOND, IT'S A GENUINE DIRTY STONE	NOT ME, MY RUMP STEAK	I DID BETTER THAN MY TEACHER PREDICTED. HE SAID I WOULDN'T FIND MY WAY TO THE EXAM ROOM
IT'S FROM DAVID CAMERON ABOUT REDUCING THE DEFICIT. THERE'S SOME POSTAGE TO PAY	YOU CAN LOOK AT THE MONEY, BUT YOU CAN'T TAKE IT AWAY	DOES THAT MILK SMELL CLONED TO YOU?
WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 34 YEARS. IT WAS A SHAM WEDDING THAT WENT WRONG	SORRY YOU'RE NOT LEAVING	I AM JUST GOING ONLINE. I MAY BE SOME TIME
HARDY, I DON'T WANT THAT KISS TO APPEAR ON WIKILEAKS	POLICE ELECTIONS VOTE FOR ME OR I'LL TASER YOU	BRITISH TROOPS WILL HAND OVER CONTROL TO US. IT'S CALLED THE BIG SOCIETY
DEATH TAX	THIS IS PRESIDENT OBAMA'S PRESENT TO DAVID CAMERON	I THINK WE SHOULD BOTH START SEEING OTHER COUNTRIES
I'LL SAY ONE THING FOR GEORGE OSBORNE, HE'S CERTAINLY SIMPLIFIED THE TAX SYSTEM	YOU'RE NOT GOING OUT DRESSED LIKE THAT, YOUNG LADY	YOU'D THINK A BIG SOCIETY VOLUNTEER WOULD MOW THAT LAWN
ALASTAIR CAMPBELL'S DIARY ON THE FURY OVER MANDELSON'S BOOK	I SET UP A TRIBUTE PAGE TO PETER MANDELSON BUT FACEBOOK TOOK IT DOWN	I SHOULDN'T CRY, BUT IT'S THOUGHT OF HIM BEING BACK LIVING WITH US SO SOON
I HAVE ONLY £17.50 LEFT DO YOU HAVE ANY AILMENTS IN THAT PRICE RANGE?	IT'S THE MOST VIOLENT COMPUTER GAME YOU CAN BUY	MICHAEL GROVE LAID THE FOUNDATION STONE TO THIS SCHOOL BUILDING ... AND THEN TOOK IT AWAY AGAIN
...MUST...NOT...BUILD...UP...EXPECTATION	IF THEY WITCH OFF THE FM SIGNAL WE'LL MISS DESERT ISLAND DISCS	I'LL BE IN HERE UNTIL THE CUTS ARE OVER
I'M NOT INVOLVED IN THE MURKY WORLD OF ESPIONAGE; I'VE JOINED THE NEIGHBOURHOOD WATCH	BASED ON THE SECOND PREFERENCE SYSTEM, ANDY MURRAY IS THE WINNER	THIS IS MY COMMUNITY SENTENCE
CAN I SPEAK TO NICK CLEGG ABOUT REPEALING CERTAIN LAWS? IT'S QUITE URGENT...	IF YOU MISSED IT, ENGLAND'S WORLD CUP EXIT WILL BE REPEATED IN FOUR YEAR'S TIME	YOU'RE UNDER ARREST. GO TO THE POLICE STATION AND LET YOURSELF INTO A CELL
CHEER UP, THE ENGLISH ARE STILL THE FATTEST IN EUROPE	THE PAIN OF WATCHING ENGLAND PLAY WILL BE SHARED FAIRLY BETWEEN RICH AND POOR	GOAL!
CUTS: ENGLAND'S NEW AUSTERITY GOAL	AT LEAST GORDON BROWN HAD THE DECENCY TO HIDE THE BAD NEWS IN HIS BUDGETS	CAN YOU ARRANGE FOR A FRENCH EXCHANGE STUDENT TO COME AND STAY AT OUR HOUSE?
GREAT NEWS! IT WAS ONLY REALLY, REALLY AWFUL	TO QUOTE FABIO CAPELLO, 'HE MAKE VERY BIG MISTAKE'	THE BUDGET? I THOUGHT ENGLAND MUST BE PLAYING
I WANT TO HEAR THE VUVUZELAS, BUT NOT SEE ENGLAND PLAY	FATHER'S DAY IS ONE OF THE SPENDING PLANS WE'VE HAD TO CANCEL	GENTLEMEN, WE'VE DEVELOPED A REPLACEMENT FOR THE JABULANI BALL
WORLD CUP	ASCOT	ARE YOU WORRYING ABOUT THE DEFICIT OR AN ENGLAND PLAYER'S GROIN
WORLD CUP	YOU'RE THROUGH TO THE SPENDING CUT SUGGESTIONS LINE	GREAT ESCAPE SURVIVOR
I FITTED A CAP OVER HIS MOUTH TO STOP HIM TALKING ABOUT THE WORLD CUP	PICK YOUR OWN BP OIL	I WAS DOING AUSTERITY BEFORE IT WAS FASHIONABLE
COULD IT BE IN A SUITCASE SOMEWHERE?	A EURO! I SAY, OLD CHAP, AREN'T THEY ENDANGERED?	ALL I NEED NOW IS FOR ACTIVISTS TO BREAK INTO A PEARL OYSTER FARM
THAT ISN'T ONE OF THE LAWS NICK CLEGG IS SCRAPPING	HAVE A GOOD DAY AT THE TREASURY, DAD. BE BRAVE, TRY NOT TO CRY	IF THE COUNTRY IS LOOKING FOR SAVINGS, DO WE REALLY NEED TWO MILIBANDS?
I'VE DECIDED TO MAKE THIS A FIXED TERM, FIVE-YEAR MARRIAGE	I'VE FORMED A STRONG AND STABLE ALLIANCE WITH MY MONEY AND I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT END	DAVID CAMERON CAN'T FIVE YOU A CABINET JOB JUST BECAUSE YOU VOTED LIB DEM
LIB-LAB SPORTS DAY	IN LESS THAN SIX MONTHS WE MAY BE LOCKED OUT OF THE POLLING STATION AGAIN	IS THERE SOMETHING FOR REMOVING A PRIME MINISTER FROM DOWNING STREET?
OH, ALL RIGHT THEN, TAKE ME TO NICK CLEGG	THAT ELECTION WAS A DISASTER! WHOSE IDEA WAS IT?	YOU KNOW WE CLOSE AT 10PM, DON'T YOU
THERE'S SOMEONE LURKING ABOUT OUTSIDE - GO AND SEE IF IT'S DAVID CAMERON	I BELIEVE THE DON'T KNOWS ARE TAKING THIS ELECTION FOR GRANTED	MAKE UP YOUR MIND! PETER MANDELSON HAS ALREADY CHOSEN THE NEXT LEADER OF THE LABOUR PARTY
WHILE YOU'RE TALKING I'M DRAWING THE AUDIENCE REACTION WORM	WATCHING THAT DEBATE WAS A DISASTER - WHOSE IDEA WAS IT?	VOTE LABOUR OR GORDON BROWN WILL PAY YOU A VISIT
I'VE MADE A STRING OF PROMISES I CAN'T POSSIBLY KEEP	WE BOTH KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF I COME BACK TO YOUR PLACE - YOU'LL TALK ABOUT VOTING REFORM	TOO MUCH EYE CONTACT MAKES ME FEEL QUEAZY
IT CUTS NICK CLEGG OUT OF THE LEADERS' DEBATE	I WAS GOING TO RUN THE MARATHON, BUT THE VOLCANIC ASH MADE IT TOO RISKY	POLITICS NEEDS TO CHANGE. AFTER A WEEK I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF NICK CLEGG
I WISH I HADN'T AGREED TO THESE DEBATES	DO YOU THINK THAT PILE OF VOLCANIC ASH IS OUR LUGGAGE?	I'LL DRIVE YOU TO CALAIS ON CONDITION THAT YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT NICK CLEGG
I DON'T WANT TO ASK HIM ABOUT THE NHS - I WANT HIM TO HEAL ME	AND DON'T USE THAT REASONABLE NICK CLEGG TONE WITH ME	NICK CLEGG TELLS VOLCANO TO END THIS NONSENSE
DON'T WORRY! I'M TWEETING THAT YOU WON	VOLCANIC ASH	THIS DEBATE COULD LIGHT THE FUSE TO MY APATHY
ONCE I HAVE HIRED STEPHEN BUYERS, GEOFF HOON AND PATRICIA HEWITT I WILL BE ABLE TO CONTROL THE WHOLE WORLD	GO EASY ON THE POLITICS, DAD, YOU'LL MAKE YOURSELF SICK	WAYNE ROONEY'S FRAGILE RECOVERY IS JEOPARDISED BY TORY ECONOMIC PLANS
IT BRIEFLY STOPPED RAINING AND I EXPERIENCED A LEGAL HIGH	HAVE THERE BEEN ANY CHANGES TO YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES IN THE PAST 12 MONTHS?	SORRY, I KEEP CRASHING... I'M REALLY A PILOT
F1	IF THIS BUDGET DOESN'T GET US, THE NEXT ONE WILL	WHEN PEOPLE SAY IT'S BACK TO THE 70S, THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT INDUSTRIAL RELATIONS
THE FLIGHT'S OK, BUT I'M AFRAID YOUR RUNWAY'S BEEN CANCELLED	COULDN'T WE HAVE PAID STEPHEN BYERS TO STOP THIS BUDGET	IF THERE'S A HUNG PARLIAMENT NICK CLEGG WILL GET TO CHOOSE THE BABY'S NAME
TELL ME WHEN WE'RE OVER HEATHROW; I HAVE TO LAND THIS PLANE	WE HAVE TO CROSS THE PICKET LINE TO GET TO THE LOO	I'VE LOST ALL UNITE'S STRIKE BANNERS AND PLACARDS
COFFEE OR TEA?	YOUR DON'T KNOW WILL SEND THE POUND THROUGH THE FLOOR	AND FROM NOW ON, EVERY PROGRAMME WILL BE IN PERIOD COSTUME
1880: DOOMED ATTEMPTS TO FLY 2010: BA CHECK IN	THE PURPLE DYE SHOWS I'M GOING TO ABSTAIN IN THE GENERAL ELECTION	WE'RE GOING TO BELIZE TO EVADE THE GENERAL ELECTION
MR BROWN HAS APOLOGISED TO DINOSAURS FOR THE ASTEROID THAT WIPED THEM OUT	SWINGEING CUTS WERE ANNOUNCED TODAY...	BULLYING LATEST...
DID YOU SEE? FORCES OF HELL UNLEASHED HERE 30/8/08	I CHANGED MY MIND. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BEING FRIGHTENED OF GORDON	HE THREW HIS MORAL COMPASS AT ME
WINTER OLYMPICS	IF WE STAY HERE TILL THE ELECTION WE'LL AVOID ALMOST ALL THE POLITICIANS	I BORROWED YOUR LIBRARY CARD, BUT I DIDN'T USE YOUR IDENTITY TO ASSASSINATE ANYONE
THERE'S A SPECIAL REASON WHY I WANTED TO COME OUT TONIGHT - GORDON BROWN IS ON TV	YOU SLIPPED OVER IN THE SNOW. IN WHAT WAY WAS M15 COMPLICIT?	I FIND THE BRAKING PROBLEMS HAVE STOPPED ME WORRYING ABOUT MY CARBON FOOTPRINT
FRAMING, BULLYING, INTIMIDATING ... AT LEAST HE DIDN'T SPEND ALL HIS TIME DOING PAPERWORK	RECALL?	THE WORLD'S GREENEST CRASH
SINCE WHEN DID YOU UNDERSTAND THE OFFSIDE RULE? ARE YOU SEEING A FOOTBALLER?	I'M SO ANGRY I FEEL LIKE BUYING OUR MP A TOYOTA	SUDDENLY, ASSISTED SUICIDE DOESN'T SEEM SO UNTHINKABLE
LET'S SAY THAT JUMPER IS MY WIFE AND THE OTHER ONE IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND	GENTLEMEN, WE'VE DEVELOPED A MISSILE THAT IGNORES LEGAL ADVICE	THE GOVERNMENT HAS RAISED THE OMG LEVEL TO THE MAXIMUM
NEW SMALLER BANK	IF I DON'T HAVE IT ON A CHAIN ROUND MY NECK I FORGET WHERE I LEFT IT	I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. THE MET OFFICE PREDICTED NO SNOW TODAY...
MY NEW YEAR DIET IS GOING ALMOST TOO WELL...	THE VILLAGE SHOP HAS SOLD OUT OF EVERYTHING	CHIPS ARE £1. IF YOU WANT SALT ON THEM IT'S AN EXTRA £50
IF I WAS WEARING EXPLODING UNDERPANTS I'D SET THEM OFF RIGHT NOW	THAT AFTERSHAVE YOU GAVE ME HAS DE-ICED THE PATH BRILLIANTLY	WE MUST PRESERVE THESE FROZEN POINTS FOR FUTURE GENERATIONS
IT'S AWFUL TO THINK THIS IS TERRY WOGAN'S LAST BREAKFAST SHOW	'SOME BITS ARE REDACTED FOR SECURITY REASONS'	'WHEN I UNDERSTAND THIS I'M GOING TO BE FURIOUS'
WHILE SHEPHERDS WATCHED THE X FACTOR BY NIGHT...	OUR BELL TOWER CERTAINLY PUTS THOSE UPWARDLY MOBILE DUCKS IN THEIR PACE	'I WAS WISHING EVERYONE A HAPPY NEW YEAR, BUT I'VE HAD TO REVISE THAT DOWNWARDS'
'COULD YO HIDE £1.5BN INSIDE A CHRISTMAS PUDDING?'	IF BONUSES KEEP ON RISING, BY 2050 PARTS OF LONDON COULD BE UNDER 4FT OF MONEY	I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND ME ASKING, BUT WILL WE GET A BONUS THIS CHRISTMAS?
IRANIAN MERMAID TEMPTING BRITISH SAILORS	OOH, TODAY WE'VE GOT A PICTURE OF A DEAD POLAR BEAR	DEAR SIR, HA ,HA, HA. WE HAVE CHARGED YOU £35 FOR THIS LETTER
I'M AWARE OF THE DANGERS, SIR, BUT I'D LIKE TO VOLUNTEER FOR A BONUS	TWENTY YEARS AGO MY HUSBAND WAS RUSHING HOME TO WATCH THE FALL OF THE BERLIN WALL ON TV ...	LEAVE SOME LONG GRASS; WE WANT TO KICK THE EXPENSES REVIEW INTO IT
'I'M PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE THE PRESIDENT OF EUROPE WILL BE THE JEDWARD TWINS FROM X FACTOR'	LIB DEM CONFERENCE EXPECT UNUSUALLY LIGHT TRAFFIC	I'M GOING TO HAVE TO ASK YOU TO REIMBURSE THE £3000 I PAID YOU
IF I WANTED TO BE THIS MISERABLE I'D HAVE GONE TO THE LABOUR PARTY CONFERENCE	I WOULDN'T EVEN MIND IF IT WAS RETROSPECTIVE	I'M POSTING IT TO MY GRANDSON. HE'S EIGHT AT THE MOMENT
NO	I MUST GET TO THE UK. I WANT TO HEAR NICK CLEGG'S BIG SPEECH	AFTER THAT WE CAN LOSE THE ELECTION WITH A SPRING IN OUR STEP
THERE'S A STEEP CLIMB AHEAD, BUT THE VIEW FROM THE SUMMIT IS WORTH IT	WE'RE ELECTION OBSERVERS FROM AFGHANISTAN	SORRY, IT WAS THE ONLY CARD I COULD GET
I'M POSTING A CHEQUE TO THE EXPENSES INQUIRY. MAKE SURE IT'S NOT DELIVERED	THE GARDENER HAS DECIDED TO STAND AGAINST YOU AT THE NEXT ELECTION	YOU'RE SENDING ME BACK TO SCHOOL? IS THIS PART OF A SHABBY DEAL WITH LIBYA?
WOULD YOU LIKE A BAR OF CHOCOLATE FOR JUST £1 WITH THOSE	I'D LIKE YOU TO CHANGE THE BEDDING, DO THE IRONING AND SING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM	'And that's, basically, how short-selling works'
'The can of cider makes you look ten years younger'	BEIJING SMOG FEARS	POLICE PROTEST
I got out of cash and into plastic carrier bags	I hope the Transport Secretary gets home before her children have grown up	MY WIFE GAVE ME THIS JUMPER AND I GAVE HER THE VOMITING BUG
POLICE STOP! I'VE GOT YOU SURROUNDED