EDWARD MCLACHLAN (Born 1940)

SO MR SCARLACCI! - WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT DRIVE-BY SHOOTINGS IN THIS HOME!	A DRIVE-BY SHOOTING IN A TRAFFIC JAM IS NOT A GOOD IDEA, O'FLANAGAN	PET CEMETERY
ANIMALAB LIMITED	ON THAT BLOODY COMPUTER AGAIN!?! – WHAT BLOODY BENEFIT CAN YOU GET FROM THAT BLOODY MACHINE!?!!	BRITISH HAEMORRHOID SUFFERERS ASSOCIATION ANNUAL REUNION STAND-UP BUFFET
BUT IN YOUR CV YOU DIDN'T SAY WHAT SORT OF DISABILITY YOU HAVE, MR CLAMPHORNE	SIT....SIT....BEHAVE....SIT....	WHAT'S WRONG, BOY? – DON'T YOU LIKE YOUR NEW BASKET?
GLENMEADOW HOSPITAL HALITOSIS UNIT	SCOTCH WITH MOTHER	JUST EXACTLY WHERE IN CALIFORNIA WAS THE CLINIC WHERE YOU HAD YOUR IVF TREATMENT, MRS WISDISH?
VOLI'S RESTAURANT	TV FOOD EXPERT	JOLLY DECENT OF THE NUCLEAR POWER STATION TO LET US SHOOT ON THEIR LAND
THE ECO-RESTAURANT	NORTH BOTLEY RAMBLING CLUB	"TOO MUCH CHLORINE IN THE BATHS AGAIN, THOMPSON"
MODEL ECO TOWN	WEIGHTS AND MEASURES	NO POT-POURRI
HOLD ON! - HERE'S ANOTHER ONE JUST COME UP!	THAT'S A SHAME - THAT WAS THE ONLY EXERCISE OUR DARREN EVER GOT - BRUSHING HIS TEETH	WELL, SERGEANT, THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST EXTREME CASES OF IDENTITY THEFT I'VE EVER SEEN
SEND IN THE ROAD ROLLER CLAIMANT PLEASE, MISS WISHDISH	"I'M SORRY, THE MD IS AN A MEETING WITH THE SALES DIRECTOR DISCUSSING THE LATEST SALES FIGURES"	WELCOME TO THE VIRGIN BIRTH
GRETA GREEN THE TALKING ENVIRODOLL!	A GREAT FIGHTER FOR THE ENVIRONMENT, RIGHT TO THE VERY END	THIS IS THE FIRST TIME WE'VE MET THE DIRECTORS OF OUR MAIN SUPPLIER SO WE NEED TO MAKE SURE WE MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION
...AND I'VE JUST TOLD ONE OF THE NEW TRAINEES TO MOVE THE ARMADILLOS TO THEIR NEW QUARTERS	SNOWMAN OBESITY	I'D GET ON A LOT BETTER IF YOU COULD PERSUADE YOUR DARREN TO REMOVE HIS HOOD, MRS SPONGTHORPE
THE CHRISTMAS SPECIAL, SIR? - IT'S A REINDEER STUFFED WITH A TURKEY, STUFFED WITH A ROBIN	IT'S THE NEW CRAZE - GOLF!	SINCE I WAS GIVEN THIS JAPANESE GUIDE DOG, I DON'T SEEM TO BUMP INTO PEOPLE ANYMORE
SMOKING GENIE	AND THIS IS MR BLAGSTOCK, OUR CHIEF SALESMAN...	SANTA'S WORKSHOP
AS MOST OF OUR TOYS ARE MADE IN CHINA, WE THOUGHT, WHY NOT...	OUT OF ORDER	AH, MRS PLANKHURST, COME IN AND TELL ME, DID THE YOGA I RECOMMENDED YOU TO DO HELP TO EASE YOUR BACK PAIN?
SILENCE	IT'S THE COUNCIL'S NEW LITTER BIN DESIGN TO ENCOURAGE YOUNG PEOPLE TO BE MORE TIDY	SIESTA
'HE JUST SAID HIS FIRST WORD.'	COSA NOSTRA	NINJA TOASTER
A GREAT SHAME - IN HIS DAY HE WAS ONE OF BRITAIN'S GREATEST JUGGLING ACTS	WE HAVEN'T HAD A SINGLE CUSTOMER IN FOR THE BOOK SIGNING SO FAR, MR TURVEY	SORRY WE'VE BEEN SO LONG GETTING ROUND TO YOUR REPAIR - HOPE IT'S NOT BEEN TOO MUCH OF A CONVINIENCE
YOU'RE REALLY GOING TO HAVE TO LOSE SOME WEIGHT	Z CARS	OLD SCHOOL TIE
THE AGE DISCRIMINATION ACT IS STARTING TO BITE, I SEE	OUR COFFINS ARE MADE TO ORDER AND FASHIONED TO AN EXTREMELY HIGH STANDARD BY OUR OWN EXPERIENCE AND DEDICATED CRAFTSMAN	CAVEMEN
YOUR CV SAYS YOU HAVE NO PROBLEMS WORKING WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX & ALSO THAT YOU ARE FULL OF UNEXPECTED SURPRISES	DISABLED PARKING	WE'RE TRYING TO APPEAL TO THE ETHNIC MINORITY GROUPS THAT HAVE MOVED INTO OUR VILLAGE RECENTLY
WELL SO MUCH FOR GOING GREEN - SOLAR PANELS INDEED!	IT WAS HIS LAST WISH	GET A LIFE GUARD
HOW TO INCORPORATE THE ARMS	THE MOST INTELLIGENT CREATURE IN THE OCEAN-DID YOU KNOW THEY CAN COMMUNICATE WITH EACH OTHER?	THIS IS ABSOLUTELY DISGRACEFUL! - WHEN WAS THIS ROOM LAST CLEANED!?!
HELLO - THIS IS WAYNE - HOW MAY I HELP YOU?	ROYAL SOCIETY FOR THE PREVENTION OF ACCIDENTS	'WELL, SO MUCH FOR BUYING DARRN A TRAMPOLINE SO HE CAN EXERCISE AND LOSE ALL THAT WEIGHT"
"I USED TO BE A PEARLY KING BUT AFTER OUR DIVORCE, MY WIFE GOT TO KEEP THE PEARLS"	SANTA'S GROTTO	"MORE OUT OF WORK CALL CENTRE WORKERS"
"ICE CREAM VANS ARE NOT WHAT THEY WERE IN MY DAY."	DODGEMS SPEED CAMERAS	PROBABLY IF YOUR SON WORE HIS HOOD A LITTLE LESS....
SACK RACE	8 STONE OR LESS	POLICE? -- A MAN'S JUST BURST INTO OUR OFFICE & HE'S NOW STANDING ON OUR WINDOW LEDGE, THREATENING TO JUMP IF WE DON'T HELP HIM LOSE WEIGHT
SEX EMPORIUM CHRISTMAS SPECIAL	SURELY, LADIES, WE CAN'T ALL HAVE SEIZED UP!	MR NED KELLY -- THE DOCTOR WILL SEE YOU NOW
THE REPLACEMENT BENCH	take me to your leader	"NOW WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM WITH OUR PRODUCT, SIR?"
"I'LL NEVER GET USED TO THE CLASS DISCRIMINATION IN THIS RESIDENTIAL HOME."	WELL, YOU MUST EXPECT QUITE THIN WALLS WITH HOUSES IN THIS PRICE RANGE	LET THEM EAT PANCAKE!
I'M SURE OUR OWN DEAR BISHOP'S DOING HIS BEST BUT I STILL THINK MRS THATCHER WILL CHOOSE THAT NICE BISHOP OF YORK AS THE NEXT ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY	NOT THAT ONE, MATE. THAT SHOWER'S FOR THE MAN OF THE MATCH - THAT'S BEER	6 6 6
THE CROWD BEHAVIOUR IS GETTING WORSE AND WORSE EVERY GAMES	UKIP FUND-RAISINT DANCE	'THEY'LL NEVER CATCH ON HERE IN LONDON.'
TREE SURGEONS	GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD - I HAVE DECIDED TO END IT ALL.	N IS FOR NORBERT - TOTALLY ZANY
K IS FOR KANG DON'T LAUGH AT HIS SQUINT	"IN THE OLD DAYS SOMEONE WOULD HAVE HELPED THAT YOUNG LADY."	JUST MY LUCK TO BE TEAMED UP WITH A WEEKEND JOY-RIDER!
LIKE FATHER LIKE SON	"ANY MORE OBJECTIONS TO MY PROPOSALS?"	NO DOGS ALLOWED
FOOD SECTION	GLASGOW	TREVOR AND SHEILA ARE TESTING THE NEW MISTLETOE I BOUGHT YESTERDAY.
SUNDAY PAPERS	OBESE CHILDREN CROSSING	"....AND MR HESELTINE'S ALSO HAD LOTS OF GET-WELL CARDS AND PRESENTS FROM ALL OVER THE COUNTRY."
"I THINK ITS A EURO - MONEY SPIDER."	HE WAS A DOOR TO DOOR SALESMAN.	WORKING WITH BEASTS
TAKE NO NOTICE - IT'S JUST THE NORMAL BOARD MEETING.	THIS IS A MOBILE PHONE-FREE SKI LIFT CAR	EUREKAAAARRRRGGGH!!!
"THESE NEW REAR SPOILERS CERTAINLY HELP YOU TO GO FASTER"	"MY GOD, JB, I THINK THE GM CROPS ARE TRYING TO FORM A TRADE UNION!"	FREE WITH EVERY CAR!
SKIING ANTICS	BLOODY FOREIGNERS!	CAR INSURANCE
BRITANNIA COTTAGE	BADLEYS BANK V GOODMINSTER BANK	WITH TAX RELIEF WITHOUT TAX RELIEF
DUNWORRYIN	DUNTREMBLIN	CABLE AND WIRELESS
HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A CHANCELLOR SCORNED - BUY PEPS!	FIT OR BUST	THE PRICE IS RIGHT (OFF TARGET)
PARADIYSE	CHRISTMAS CHEER	NORMAN TEBBITT'S SPEECH ON THE LOYALTY OF IMMIGRANTS
THE KING'S HEAD	GOING FISHING	KUNG FOOD
WHERE'S THAT WAITER WITH OUR FISH COURSE	SOWING SEEDS	PAPER DARTS
ROBERT BECAME OBSESSED WITH THE GECKOS IN OUR VILLA	IN CASE OF EMERGENCY BREAK GLASS	WERE-WOLF
KARATE CHOP	ANY CAR FOUND PARKED OUTSIDE THIS BUILDING WILL BE CLUMPED	LOVERS LEAP
TALKING CUTIE PIE DOLLS